I Can't Handle This

The day is soon approaching...I hope...for Baby Boy Lathrop #2 to be born. In addition to the nesting and anxious checking off of to-do's, I find myself nostalgic? reminiscent? Whatever the word, I want to get these feelings down "on paper" to process and look back on someday.

A secondary title to this blog could be "Totally Unexpected" because that's what this pregnancy was! We had started thinking and talking about a theoretical baby #2, but when day 18 of no period and a positive pregnancy test came, my reaction wasn't one that I'm proud of.

I felt...overwhelmed.

I can't handle a toddler and a newborn! The thought of having a toddler, who was...and still is...stretching out his Terrible Two muscles, and a newborn was basically more than I could handle. It took a while for me to process and believe that this really was happening. I took it one day, one week at a time, and with a lot of prayer [of constantly releasing my will and control], I'm excited to meet this baby boy and watch my sonS grow up.

I can't handle being pregnant with a toddler! I have been truly blessed in both pregnancies to not have experienced the horrible morning sickness other moms have talked about. But still, this pregnancy was tougher on me than last time around. Maybe because I idealized my last [early part of] pregnancy. Maybe because I was keeping up with a toddler this time. Maybe just because this baby and this pregnancy is different. Foods I loved did not appeal. I would love a food one week, and the next week the thought of it made me nauseous. Food just didn't sound good, but I still had to make food for Oliver. And I was TIRED, physically and mentally! Trying to teach, reason, plead with a toddler to "Listen and Obey" EVERY DAY is just simply exhausting. But, with the passing of the first trimester, some new behavioral tactics, help from friends, and a lot of prayers for strength and patience, I'm feeling good and seeing glimmers of my kind, sweet Oliver.

I can't handle birth again! Make no mistake, I'm committed and looking forward to my second homebirth, but there's still a little part of me wondering, "Can I really do that again?" Oliver's birth (active labor) was fast and intense, and I did what I had to to bring him earthside safely. This time around, there are no danger signs, in fact, all signs point to a slower, more gradual labor. I'm worried there will be more opportunity for me to "chicken out." But I trust my supporter, Evan, my birth team, and lots of prayers for strength and safety to help me through it.

I can't handle birth without my favorite midwife! I've known from almost the very beginning, thanks to a chance meeting at Whole Foods, that my most trusted, favorite midwife who helped me through the seemingly impossibilities of pregnancy and birth of Oliver might miss baby #2's birth. She's had a vacation planned for a long time, leaving basically on my due date, but she took me as a client/patient anyway. With all of the other overwhelming aspects of this pregnancy going on, I have had to deal with this one in smaller pieces, processing and accepting it a little at a time. In the event, she's out of town, the birth team in her place is great; I've met them and feel comfortable with them. But I still fervently hope and pray that my favorite midwife and friend, who just seems to get me, will be present for baby #2's birth. It's now 1 week until my midwife leaves for a week. The clock is ticking, and there's not a lot I can do. So once again, I'm praying [releasing my will and control] and trusting in God's perfect timing.

I've come full circle, praying the same prayer as when I found out I was pregnant. Each time I felt overwhelmed and leaned on God, he has brought me through it. A lesson that I hope I cling to as I look forward to being a mommy to 2 little boys

And now some pregnancy stats that I want to document to remember and compare to Oliver's. If the details of pregnancy and birth make you squeamish, stop reading now.



Last warning



Ok, it's on you.

At my most recent Wednesday appointment, 38 weeks and 5 days, the cervix was soft and dilated to a 2, stretchy to a 3. Membranes were stripped and I had often contractions the rest of the day, along with some bloody show. I don't feel like planning or cooking meals (but I've been craving and eating my Raw Brownies all week! They're amazing!), my sense of smell seems to be in overdrive, and I feel the need to get everything baby-related done this weekend. We'll see what the future holds.